She and I met when I was in my twenties and she in her thirties. We basically met and moved in. She didn’t like my place in the city so she brought me 20 miles away from my life. I became a stepmother right away to her child (whom I adored) and everything I did had to be revolving around her…and she was the one that said she never wanted me to lose myself in her. She told me she wanted me to have my own opinion and when I did she got angry that I disagreed.
She didn’t like my close friends, or my job and so I gave those up. She drank more and became more violent, verbally and physically, always begging for forgiveness afterward and showering me with love. That allowed me to forget the pain.
I didn’t want to lose her or her child so I stayed and tried to change my views to suit her. I became so dependent on her approval and money and home and love that I had forgotten what I needed in life to make me happy. I was so understanding but to a fault and when the threat of my leaving came, she threw me out.
How I coped
I hit bottom emotionally. I was so depleted that I shut down.
I fell into a deep depression that she called weak. I mourned for a long time and began to drink and go out to avoid being alone.
How the situation changed
She threw me out and I see that now as a blessing. She never denied her behavior until recently when she took on another girlfriend. She won’t let me see her child and she still directs her anger at her behavior toward me. I have gone on to my own life and will not let her back in.
We both want the other gone but for different reasons I believe. I have peace within myself but am still hurt that I fell in love with someone who was unable to love me the way I believed she would.
What helped me to get stronger
I then woke up, unable to let her do more damage…I went to therapy, quit drinking, moved back to the city, got a fabulous job, went back to school. Sought out real friends and began my own assessment of a positive life. I began to rediscover myself.
My close friend saw the depths of pain I was in and literally swooped in to save me. She held on tight to me and let me cry and learn and feel. She gave me a safe ear and encouragement. She helped me see the truth instead of drown in what she had led me to believe.
Time also healed me and my own will and strength.
What I would say to someone who is being abused
Go to see a counsellor. Tell as many people that care about you. Find a way to live separately. Save money. Get out.
It hurts like hell but it hurts even more when the abuse reaches a climax…don’t give power to anyone…even those you love.
Relationships shouldn’t be that hard…demand the best for yourself. Don’t be a victim. Fight back by letting go. Someone who will really love you is waiting. Go work on yourself and give it time. That right person or people will come into your life and you’ll wonder why you ever stayed so long with an abuser. Stop the cycle…create your own.